Click here to download a full facilitators guide and accompanying PowerPoint slides
Full resources list at the end of guide.
Supported Loving toolkit
Autistic Loving
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Autistic loving- Supporting autistic people with relationships and sexuality: An awareness raising workshop for social care staff.
Autistic people, intimate relationships and support
This page shares the findings and the training we developed on how to best support autistic people who access social care, as part of the National Institute for Health Research (NIHR).
Just like the rest of the population, most autistic adults are interested in developing intimate relationships and see sex as an important part of life. Autistic peoples’ needs in this area are often spoken about in the same sentence as people with learning disabilities, suggesting that their needs are the same. However, our research showed us that while both groups can face the same or similar challenges in this area, often the support people need is different and there are some autism specific challenges that social care staff might be able to help with. A review of learning materials Supported Loving completed for social care staff, with Skills for Care, found virtually no materials on this topic to help staff provide good support in this area.
Autistic adults often face additional challenges developing and maintaining intimate relationships compared to non-autistic people. Sex education frequently fails to meet the needs of autistic people as it often misses important parts such as the relationship aspect, the social aspects and non-heterosexuality. Autistic people are more likely to identify as LGBTQ+ or gender diverse and, until recently, this was not discussed in detail as part of sex education. By not having sex education that meets their needs, autistic people are disadvantaged and potentially left vulnerable to sexual abuse.
Historically, problems within autistic/non-autistic couple relationships were assumed to be due to ‘deficits’ associated with the autistic partner. However, there is now more awareness that a mutual lack of understanding, due to different ways of experiencing, processing and communicating, is usually the cause of the difficulties. Both partners may need support to better understand each other and find mutually agreeable solutions.
Before our study, there had been no research in the UK which asked autistic people, who access social care to find support surrounding relationships and sexuality, what their needs and wishes are. Although this study was exploratory, and involved a limited number of participants, the findings were endorsed by autistic members of our advisory group and is also backed up by evidence from other autism-related research studies.
The most common challenges faced in this area and how best to support people to overcome them
Lived experience of abuse or fear of abuse- Lived experience of abuse made people scared of being abused again and people were also scared of being a target of abuse. The people in our study spoke of their desire for support to stay safe as almost everyone had experienced some form of abuse or exploitation. This was also a problem in other relationships like friendships. It was seen as important for autistic people to get support on how to identify warning signs before abuse happens, not afterwards once damage has already been done. Assistance may be needed to recognise that something is wrong in a situation, or that a relationship is becoming unhealthy. Online safety was an area where people felt they wanted more guidance and support, so they stay safe while dating online. Social care staff can help by providing a non-judgmental space to check out concerns.
Social norms, rules and boundaries- Understanding social norms, rules and boundaries was a source of confusion and anxiety for many people. These unwritten rules are common in dating and change often. For boundaries, this includes understanding their own and those of the people they come into contact with. It is important that people get support to understand consent (giving and receiving) so everyone is safe. The non-autistic flirting style of not stating your true intentions or pretending not to be interested, was typically confusing and perceived as game-playing. The people we spoke to shared a need for clear and explicit information, as indirect communication left people unaware of what that person was trying to say. Social care staff can help by being available for people to talk through any confusions and support to explain social norms.
Resources and education - Few autistic people have had sex education that met their needs. Relationships and sex education (RSE) only covered ‘the basics’ including pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections and contraception. The main areas people wanted support with was around relationships, eg understanding relationship development, maintenance and addressing conflict. There are very few resources available for autistic adults in this area and many people got their information from TV soaps and dramas. There are few spaces for autistic people to access this education as adults (beyond a few specialist dating agencies). Social care staff could improve support by providing more autism-specific spaces to explore RSE, and/or signposting autistic people to resources, and being available to talk them through things if requested. It is important that any support provided is autism-led or autism-informed, and that staff do not try and "fix" autistic people by encouraging them to behave in an unnatural way (by ‘camouflaging’ or ‘masking’ their autistic traits).
Listen to Dr Claire Bates (Supported Loving Leader) and Rose Matthews, the research assistant on the project talking about the findings of the research and the development of the training pack for staff.
Do
- have a good understanding of autism as this is essential to provide effective support
- always consider things from the autistic person’s perspective
- offer information in different formats to reflect personal preferences- Consider videos / cartoons / social media / TV / websites / leaflets / books
- use clear and straightforward communication (avoid "fluffy" language).
Don't
- use a ‘cookie cutter’ approach, everyone is different
- assume relationship or sexuality support is / is not wanted or needed- Ask!
- make assumptions- Always ask about individual accessibility issues
- be judgmental, closed-minded and embarrassed when discussing sex.
Case study
Mel, a non-binary person in their late 50s who was previously in relationships with men, now realises that they are sexually attracted to women and would like to start a new relationship. They have several specific anxieties: Where can they go to meet potential partners in person or online? Will they be able to recognise when someone is flirting with them? Will their autistic differences be a barrier to making a lasting relationship?
Mel's staff ask if they have had an opportunity to explore their feelings with a therapist/ counsellor? This could be of benefit, as a space to explore sexuality and anxieties surrounding a new relationship. Mel and their staff look online together to see if there are any LGBTQ+ social groups locally/ online to potentially meet partners or likeminded friends. Mel is keen to use online dating or find a local dating agency. Staff offer to help set up a profile on the site of Mel's choice. Mel's Lead Worker Emma researches what resources (books/ websites etc) could help Mel understand more about non-autistic communication regarding flirting. Emma shares her list and leaves it up to Mel if they want to buy any and Emma says she is available to talk through any questions if Mel wants to.
Staff ask Mel if they would like any emotional support surrounding this and whether they need assistance to find some- an autistic therapist could be of benefit. Mel finds a therapist they like the sound of and staff offer to come with them for moral support or provide practical help (eg planning travel).
Support that might be helpful
- providing a safe space to talk through sensitive topics/ check things out
- being able to help clarify and explain areas that are unclear, eg social norms or non-autistic communication)
- practical support eg transport / setting up dating profile / events
- sexual and relationship safety support and advice, either to prevent problems or to help if something goes wrong
- signposting to resources or help to understand resources provided
- help to access psychological support / counselling / couples counselling
- assistance to increase social contact and reduce isolation
- providing support when a relationship gets into difficulty or ends
- establishing a safe space to talk about sex and relationships with their peers
- support to understand development and maintenance of relationships
- support to interpret and 'decode' communication (eg flirting)
- assistance with how to communicate effectively with a partner / potential partner, especially if they are non-autistic.
Resources
Autistic loving- Supporting autistic people with relationships and sexuality: An awareness raising workshop for social care staff
Supporting Autistic Adults’ Intimate Lives research project (SAAIL)
Supporting Autistic Adults’ Intimate Lives research project (SAAIL) who also have their own set of helpful resources.
Autistic Trans Guide to Life
Autistic Trans Guide to Life book available here.
Gender, Identity, Sexuality and Autism
Gender, Identity, Sexuality and Autism by Eva Mendes.
Independent Woman’s Handbook for Super Safe Living on the Autism Spectrum
Kate Reynolds books
The ‘What are?’ (relationships, personal space, periods) and ‘What is?’ series (pregnancy, sex, and menopause) are aimed at younger autistic people and/or those with a co-existing mild learning disability. They have quite a bit of written text.
The ‘Tom and Ellie’ series (also by Kate Reynolds) includes social stories on puberty and masturbation. This series is aimed at young autistic people and/or those with a co-existing Learning Disability. The books don’t have much written text
See them here.
Love, Partnership, or Singleton on the Autism Spectrum
Love, Partnership, or Singleton on the Autism Spectrum by Luke Beardon & Dean Wharton.
Sex-Ed for Adults
Sex-Ed for Adults Written by sex educator and body-positivity advocate Ruby Rare, Sex Ed for Adults is the practical and fun guide to sex.
Working with Autistic, Transgender and Non-Binary People: Research, Practice and Experience
Understanding Autistic Relationships Across the Life Span: Family, Friends, Lovers, and Others
Understanding Autistic Relationships Across the Life Span: Family, Friends, Lovers, and Others by Felicity Sedgewick & Sarah Douglas.
Healthy Relationships on the Autism Spectrum (HEARTS webinar)
Healthy Relationships on the Autism Spectrum (HEARTS webinar) available here.
Hikiapp
This is an online dating and friendship app for autistic people worldwide (note Supported Loving does not endorse any dating apps).
Autism Understood
A great resource made by young autistic people to explain what autism is, with links to pages on sexuality and relationships.